I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
