I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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