you would pick up someone in the library
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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