Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
