I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
