Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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