No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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