cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
