I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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