I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
