i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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