I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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