i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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