I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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