everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
