The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
