it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
