we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
