There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
