I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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