I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize