i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
