her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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