I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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