everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
