Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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