Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
