did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
