I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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