Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
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"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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