Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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