Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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