I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
