Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
