considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
