I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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