I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
