Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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