don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
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Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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