Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think I won the penis lottery.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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