someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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