I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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