she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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