Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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