bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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