your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Houston, we have a squirter
I will be naked everywhere
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
