Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
