Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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