i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
