Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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