I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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