Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
