Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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