i don't like sucking hair
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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