he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
