I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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